The Crier

The Magic Bus

Phil Dokas · Ann Arbor Secrets · Apr 02, 2007

For many Michigan students, a day on campus is spent within the safe confines of State, North University, South University and Church streets. For medical and art students, athletes, engineers and that unlucky freshman in Bursley, a journey to the far reaches of campus isn’t a rare event.

For some, a trip on a campus bus is a torturous venture to a faraway land, and for others, it’s a quiet ride through campus giving a glimpse of the changes around town. I find myself in the latter group. I’ve been bussing daily for four years, watching buildings grow from holes in the ground to giant snakes of glass and steel.

It’s on these daily rides that I’ve built a mental list of all the tips and tricks that help make bus rides smooth and enjoyable. With my days on the buses dwindling, I felt it would only be right to pass along this stash of hints and rules.

  1. Above all else, follow two simple rules: Do not be in the way, and pretend everyone on the bus is your grandma. Use these as your rubric for courtesy and you’ll notice fewer Death Stares in your direction.

  2. Don’t get on the bus until everyone who’s getting off the bus has done so. Think about it this way: Where do you want the traffic jam? In the tiny claustrophobic bus or in the wide openness of the sidewalk? Again, don’t be in the way.

  3. The two corner seats in the back of the bus offer delicious leg room. Seek these seats at all costs.

  4. Don’t stand in front of the bus doors unless you must. This applies to people on the bus and people waiting outside. If you stand in front of the door, you are in the way. Don’t ever be in the way. Give people room to disperse quickly and easily so there’s no jam. Also, if you’re on a crowded bus and standing by the doors, get off the bus as people are exiting, then quickly get back on.

  5. Thank the driver when they wait for you.

  6. No one apart from the people sitting directly next to you should be able to hear your conversation (cell-phone or not). If you’re louder than that you’re going to get Death Stares. (Side note: If you’re riding public transportation in Europe, just don’t talk at all.) Keep your conversation PG-13 at worst. Remember the grandma rule. She doesn’t want to hear about your newfound bedtime buddy. Also, don’t sing.

  7. Seriously, don’t sing. It doesn’t matter if you’re the next Bj√∂rk or Pavarotti, the bus is not your personal practice space and you are aggravating everyone. This is especially relevant for those boarding at the League/Power Center stop.

  8. If you’re standing on the bus, make sure your backpack isn’t hitting anyone (namely, in their face). Check if you feel your backpack nudge something, apologizing if necessary. Remember: Everyone on the bus is your grandma; be courteous.

  9. Be careful if you’re standing. If the people in front of you are crowded, make sure you move as far back as possible. Don’t be the bottleneck.

  10. When it’s 4:30 and the older University employees are leaving their jobs, laden with briefcases and coats, give them your seat. They need it more than you do. The same goes, of course, for pregnant women, kids and the elderly. Relevant stops: the entire medical campus.

  11. Don’t try to hold a conversation with strangers on the bus. This is very important for freshmen. It’s OK to ask quick questions like, “Is this the stop for the Duderstadt Center?” but don’t ever ask what they’re reading. They’re reading, not talking with you. Also, it doesn’t matter how attractive she is, you’re still going to be that creepy guy on the bus.

  12. Don’t be afraid to open the windows. If you’re hot, we’re hot. Don’t worry about the loud sound — they just do that.

  13. If you miss the bus, don’t run after it, waving your arms in disgust. Check the Magic Bus or just realize that your knight in blue armor will be by in five minutes. Spend this time making a call (thereby staving off Rule Five), reflecting on the Zen Buddhist structure of the cement bench you’re sitting on, or composing mental lists of how to make your bus ride more pleasurable.

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Comments (3, Add)

1. R.R. Slatebreech says,

Apr 02, 2007 @ 9:56 AM

What about the frotteurs? How do I avoid all of the blasted frotteurs on the North Campus bus?

2. Lamer Pundit says,

Apr 02, 2007 @ 5:35 PM

Mr. Slatebreech,

In response to your question, I refer you to Nietzsche’s great middle-late period work, “Beyond Good and Evil.”

“What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.” (BGE 153)

The frotteur is beyond reproach, Mr. Slatebreech. The question becomes, what does your resentment of him say about you?

3. Daniel says,

Apr 11, 2007 @ 11:06 PM

What’s wrong with starting a conversation?

You can tell when its ok and when its not. I think the campus would be a better place if it was more acceptable to have a quick informal conversation on the bus.

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