The Crier

The Best of the Worst: Cheap Keg Beers

Campus is fueled by cheap, cheap beer. This week we offer the best of the worst.

Marlon Jackson · Hops’n’Scotch · Feb 19, 2007

It’s happened to all of us: A coke-addled maniac rips you out of bed and thrusts a gun in your mouth. He slams you against a wall. Over his shoulder, you see two children. His finger on the trigger, he demands that you make a choice. One child has to die, and you must decide which. If you refuse, the psychopath will kill both of them and you.

This week’s column is kind of like that. We review the best of the worst campus liquor stores have to offer: cheap keg beer.

In honor of the Crier’s fourth issue, we wanted to throw a little party. But like most college-types, we’re poor. Our taste extends only as far as our bank accounts. And so we play keg roulette — will it be Pabst Blue Ribbon, Natural Light, or Milwaukee’s Best Light? For those of you who’ve found yourself in a similar quandary, I offer mentorship, and the assurance that a night of bad decisions will start with at least one good one.

In this game, price is no object. Each of these fine lagers rings up under $60 for a half-barrel. The cheapest of the bunch is Milwaukee’s Best Light. At $49.99 before Granholm’s cut, it weighs in at $3.23 per gallon. That puts it in the same price range as gasoline from late last summer — a handy piece of trivia to remember when tasting this stuff.

At $49.99 for a half-barrel, Milwaukee’s Best weighs-in at $3.23 per gallon. That puts it in the same price range as gasoline from late last summer.

I sampled all of the contending beers from aluminum cans. This is the first, and hopefully last, edition of this column where I am able to say that. They are all mass-produced by two companies: Miller with Pabst and Best, Anheuser-Busch with Natural Light.

I’ll start with every high schooler’s favorite — Natural “Natty” Light. This brew isn’t disgusting, but that’s because it’s almost non-existent. There’s no flavor and not much aroma. To paraphrase adorable Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Žižek, Natty Light is the pure semblance of property itself.

Next is hipster and good ol’ boy favorite Pabst Blue Ribbon. It has more body and flavor than Natty Light — but is that a good thing? I think so. At practically identical prices, PBR is a better option than Natty Light. Also, PBR has a 20 percent higher alcohol content by volume than either Natty Light or Beast Light, and with beers like these, that’s generally the point.

Finally, there’s Beast Light. Along with Schlitz and Blatz, Beast follows a rich tradition of Milwaukee beers whose names evoke the act of vomiting. It’s so effervescent that it numbs your mouth slightly. It has the least flavor of the beers reviewed here, and what flavor it has is terrible. It smells like feet and tastes like formaldehyde and oak bark. And just wait until you see what it does to your intestinal lining. Charming.

Natty Light isn’t disgusting, but that’s because it’s almost non-existent.

So here’s the breakdown.

Milwaukee’s Best Light should be avoided at all costs. Perhaps the similarity in price to gasoline from last August isn’t purely coincidental. And prices have dropped since then, giving unleaded regular a clear advantage over Beast Light.

Natty Light was the most innocuous of the bunch — little flavor, low alcohol. No pros and no cons. Bland, maybe, but an obviously better choice than the Beast.

But a beer shouldn’t win just because it’s less repelling than the alternatives. Therefore, PBR takes home the prize. Like Natty Light, it isn’t offensive, and its higher alcohol and flavor content make it the clear winner. The going-rate is $54.99 per half barrel, or 165 twelve-ounce servings. That’s 33 cents per serving, and even the Crier can afford that. In fact, with the higher alcohol rating than Natty Light or the Beast, PBR comes out to 55 cents per ounce of alcohol in the keg, compared to the Beast’s 60 cents on the same index.

If you must choose, choose Pabst. We won’t hold you responsible for anything that happens after that, but we’ll never forgive you for serving the Beast.